Manhood under attack: be macho, but not be macho macho.
This is the first of a multi-part exploration of what it means to be a guy in today’s world.
Part 1: Never in the history of mankind has the definition of being a man been as ambiguous like it is today.
A couple of weeks ago my friend comes to me and asked for my opinion on a hypothetical situation. It went something like this:
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- Boyfriend and girlfriend are out bike riding. Girlfriend’s bike tire goes flat. They both find an air pump at a gas station. As they both arrive to the pump, she stands and starts to check her phone for messages. He asks if she is going to pump her tire, and she replies “well, isn’t this something that guys do?”
The interesting part is that the further he explained the situation, I realized that what bothered him was not pumping her tire as it was the expectation that he automatically would.
Think about that for a second. The expectation is what bothered him. The disconnect exists because both parties have a different interpretation of what their gender roles should be.
Situations like this play themselves over and over again.
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- Man and women pull up to a gas station. She is driving. Does he stay in the passenger seat while she pumps gas? Is the expectation that he gets out and pump?
- Young couple getting married. He is expected to go to the cake tasting, meet the decorator, opinionate on the invitations, wedding showers, but remember “I want you to care, but just so you know in the end it’s really the bride’s day”.
- There’s a baby shower. First question: where are you registered. Second question: is it co-ed? If it is co-ed, more likely than not it is, the guys show up but do not play the baby games (let’s face it a guy playing the baby bottle chugging game is always disturbing).
Where are the lines? Who is writing these rules? Where do they start and end?
For example, are these situations any clearer? Are these no longer expected?
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- Man and woman arrive by car to a location. She opens her own door, rather than wait for him to walk around to open it.
- Is it polite for a guy to rush to open the door for a girl, or expected?
- What the expectation after the third date? (No not that expectation) Is the expectation that the bill is shared?
Our modern collective would agree that the traditional macho-era was not ideal; but, while it was not ideal, at least everyone knew his or her place and role.
Here’s what next in this series:
Part 2: The Strip Club insight meets the barber’s chair.
Call me old fashion but I expect the guy to pump my tire. However, I don’t expect him to open the car door. For me there is a thin line between roles most of which relate to my upbringing. Handyman stuff like pumping a tire is listed as “guy should know” in my book. I will be honest and tell you I have no clue how to pump a tire because you see when I was a kid my dad took me to the park, he never taught me how to pump a tire like most dads teach their sons. As I grew older it never appealed to me that I should learn since I never saw myself playing that role. I guess I always figured someone else will do it for me. Now lets move on to opening the car door. Yes, I very much appreciate the extra effort and in fact give bonus points for this polite action. However, it doesn’t bother me if I have to open the door myself. Let’s face it the door is not impossible to open and I’ve been opening doors all my life. So my point is I’m an independent woman who doesn’t need a macho man but wouldn’t mind one especially in the case of pumping a tire. Can’t wait to read the next series! I highly suggest a women’s series!
You know, if you’re so confused by what a woman wants from you…just ask.
We live in a brave new world where you can really express your masculinity however you damn well please. I’m sure you can find a girl who expects old fashioned macho chivalry if you’re this confused by relating to women without a rule book.
I’m not sure what the others are trying to say, but it’s all about respecting each other’s roles and “appreciating” the differences instead of “expecting”.
Best illustrated in “The Door Test” from the 1993 movie, “A Bronx Tale”.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lNNUl9jrzw
Oh man, touchy subject, here’s how I see it, let’s call it gender bait and switch. Never before in history have men been matched up with women who are so much their equal: socially, professionally, and sexually. By the time men reach their thirties, they have years of experience with women as equal competitors—in school, on soccer fields, and even in the bedroom. They very reasonably assume that the women they are meeting at a bar or café or gym are after the same things they are: financial independence, career success, toned triceps, and yes, of course, sex.
That’s the bait; here comes the switch. Women may want equality at the conference table and treadmill. But when it comes to relationships and dating, they aren’t so sure. The might hook up as freely as a Duke athlete. Or, they might want men to play Greatest Generation gentleman. Yes, they want men to pay for dinner, call for dates and open doors for them.
I think in today’s world, it’s all fair game. I am glad women are so independent nowadays, like Femininely Masculine says, it’s about appreciating the differences instead of expecting certain things…one thing is for sure, it must be really tough out there on today’s dating scene!
A long time ago I decided to treat people as people, as human beings (not as gendered beings). Or, as I’d sometimes ask to myself: “What would the Dalai Lama say?”. Easy then. You do things to people due to needs, merit and kindness, not because of their genitalia.